My ability to communicate became distorted by alcoholism. I was helped a lot by the “Five Guides to Communication” in The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, on pages 30-32. Those simple tips gave me solid guidance about more effective communication. Courtesy is the principle underlying them all.
Alcoholism stole courtesy from me. Al-Anon helped me put it back. My impatience and frustration caused me to be rude, sarcastic, and demanding in my topics and tone. Today, thanks to the following guides, I am better.
“Discuss, Don’t Attack.” I was always armed and ready to fight. I knew what he did wrong, and I had a mental list to prove it. To be able to discuss something means I must be calm and less emotional. That means using detachment and the slogans “Easy Does It” and “How Important Is It?” The principle is simple, yet the practice is difficult. Today I know that I need to get rid of my anger first before I discuss anything. There’s nothing worse than a hungry, angry, lonely, or tired Al-Anon member like me.
“Keep the Voice Low and Pleasant.” I know that as soon as I get emotional or excited about something, my voice gets louder and less pleasant. How do I keep my voice low? I practice in meetings and on the phone. Being pleasant comes from within. I find that if I look for the good in someone, I am more positive and pleasant. I try to remember what I like about the person.
“Stick to the Subject.” I am good at letting one thing lead to another-rambling, remembering, and finally blowing up. Now I do my best to remember that I can only resolve one problem at a time; thus only one subject needs to be discussed. Today I also attempt to keep in mind my primary purpose for a conversation, rather than get sidetracked by all the other distractions that can arise.
“Listen to His (or Her) Complaints.” I always took the complaints of others personally. I reacted badly. I have learned in Al-Anon that other people’s discontent my not be my problem, and I didn’t cause it. Knowing that people can feel bad, and that I don’t have to react or feel bad too, is very freeing. I think it’s a miracle when I can hear someone complain about me without letting it ruin my day. (It just tarnishes the moment!
“Don’t Make Demands.” In my frustration, I was very demanding. Today, Al-Anon teaches me to state my case and not even suggest a solution. I have learned that someone else might have a solution to my problem and even a better idea than mine. By putting my problems in the hands of a Higher Power and the ears of others, I am made aware of more choices. Today, I make an effort to ask for what I want and need, using a low and pleasant voice. What a different response I get!
As I write this, I realize that effective communication is difficult, and requires constant practice. That’s why service is a good opportunity for me to improve my skills. It allows me the chance, in a safe and accepting place, to practice these five principles. Once I develop a quiet and humble spirit-one that is free from suspicion, distrust, and anger-I will be better able to hear what others are truly saying.Perhaps they will hear me, too.
By Judy K., Nevada November, 2010