As we mentioned, Radical Acceptance transforms suffering into pain.
Radical acceptance is the full acknowledgement of reality. It is opening ourselves up to the moment, just as it is.
Radical Acceptance is accepting that you in the situation you are in and enduring that situation rather than trying to escape it by wishing it away, railing against how unfair it is, or doing something impulsive or self-destructive to try to change it.
Why is acceptance so hard?
Essentially, acceptance is the acknowledgement that we cannot change the situation either in the moment or at all. This is a horrible reality. It can feel like a loss to let go of the belief that the pain will go away. Some people have also learned messages that acceptance is not okay. Many people have learned to confuse Radical acceptance with approval — this is just not the case. Some people find it particularly difficult to accept when the reality is that someone refused a request of yours. While we can practice making effective requests through interpersonal effectiveness skills, the truth is that we cannot control whether our requests are granted. Others may confuse Radical Acceptance with passivity or giving up. You may have heard the expression “where there is a will there is a way.” We believe this statement doesn’t allow for a realistic view of the world and can lead people to believe their misfortune is partially their fault.
When people don’t practice acceptance, they are likely to fight or avoid reality instead. People might try to change the situation by throwing a ‘temper tantrum,’ threatening to end relationships or to harm themselves, or continuing to seek the same solutions. Sometimes, these strategies might even “work” (the situation does get changed) and this behavior is reinforced. These strategies almost always damage our relationships with others and ourselves and often result in less ability to change what is changeable later on. When people avoid reality or pain, they may use substances to dull it, push it out of their mind over and over again, or deny its existence. Strange as it may sound, attempts to avoid pain often create more pain. Additionally, if you always avoid pain, you may mistakenly come to believe you cannot tolerate your pain or that the pain will last forever.
Some people have noticed that non-acceptance often takes the form of the stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. This can be helpful in self-assessing whether you have found radical acceptance.
We all are successful at accepting some painful parts of reality. This may be things like a policy at work you don’t agree with, program or group rules you don’t like, or having to wait for someone. In some cases, you might not think twice about these things — that is a sign of deep acceptance. For things which are more difficult to accept, you are likely to need to practice acceptance over and over again.
To Practice Radical Acceptance
- Say out loud what you have to accept in a tone that conveys belief
- Allow thoughts of what you need to accept to enter into your mind while you attend to your body sensations
- Imagine believing what you want to accept
- Write out what you need to accept — don’t exaggerate and don’t minimize
- Relax your face and body, half smile while practicing acceptance
- Imagine all the things you would do if the facts you are trying to accept are true
- Rehearse in your mind those things that you would do if you really did accept reality as it is
- Act as if you have accepted reality
- Allow your mind to be open to all the consequences of reality
- Allow yourself to experience any emotions that come from your reality